“It’s okay to be insecure. Just be insecure about something you are actively making, instead of being insecure about some imagined reality that will never exist if you don’t sit down, shut up and get to work.” ~ Scott Berkun
Tuesday morning I woke up to an old feeling. It was the day of a speaking gig, but I hadn’t had this anxiety visitor for a while. At first I tried to ignore it, you know cuz I’m all evolved now…ha!
A few minutes later, after I got over myself I was reminded of watching Oprah a few years ago admitting that the second she had the thought “I’ve got this weight thing licked”, she gained 40 pounds.
The same was true for me that morning.
Truth: I was scared. And I’m evolving…I’m not evolved.
The part of me that wants to stay safe was trying desperately to stop or at least stall this leap I had signed up to take.
The manifestation was this non-stop voice in my head…
First it tried the bully approach saying things like, “you just learned this yourself, you’re not ready to teach other people”, “there’s going to be people in the room who know WAY more than you; what if they call you out?”.
When that didn’t work it became more subtle, “They’ll understand if you pull out. It’s a safe and nurturing community – they won’t hold it against you.”
All day long, on and on and on.
Luckily I was busy in the morning working on an exciting project with a dear friend. Afterwords we went for lunch and although I could feel the knot in my stomach, my mind was preoccupied and therefore the suffering was manageable. But when she dropped me off at my car and I jumped in a shut the door behind me, my fear sat up in the back seat like a car jacker. Shit!
I sat there for a moment. I didn’t panic. I didn’t scream or struggle. I just said…FINE…you win; I’m scared, I don’t know what’s going to happen, I don’t know what they will think, I don’t even know what I’m going to say.
And in that very moment, that car jacker released the grip it had on my throat, opened the back door, got out and ran away.
In that same moment in the peace and quiet of my car a wave of angelic, white light emerged. It was as if I had opened the door for the support, the love, and the light to come in.
What had changed?
At the time I didn’t know, nor did I care; I was just so relieved to have that looming threat, that dark heaviness disappear.
In retrospect I see exactly what shifted. In that moment, in the car with my fear, I told the truth. I hadn’t even realized the pressure I had been putting on myself up until that very moment. The pressure to ‘say the right thing’, ‘be smart, and wise’, ‘be inspiring’ and ‘change peoples lives’. In that moment I let all of that go. That level of responsibility is too much. It weighs me down.
I drove away and the clouds parted. (Literally!) I was lighter, and brighter.
The task ahead was simple again. Show up and tell the truth.
And that is what I did.