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  • How Long Do You Suffer Before You Tell the Truth?

    Posted on by Heather

    Oh boy! This is tough…..

    Ok, so you’ve lied right?

    No?

    Never?

    I cannot tell you how much it cracks my Ego deeply open, the guts spill out over the side & my stomach wretches in agony saying this, but….

    I’ve lied.

    Holy fuckin shitballs I cannot believe I just wrote those words, and now they’re out there and the world knows; I might be shunned from society for life and die as a recluse on the banks of a remote Island.

    There, I said it.

    I cannot say that I know for sure that ‘I’m not alone in this one’.  Because the only point in a relationship when you hear the ‘you’re not alone’, ‘me too’ responses, is when you open the door. And I’ve never, ever (I don’t even want to right now) opened this door.

    So, I guess I’m gonna find out…

    My lies come out of my mouth typically in the form of under or over play. I add a zero, take off a zero, exaggerate, hide. Maybe spin it a little this way or that – makes it easier to say that way.

    So maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself right?

    They’re only ‘white’ lies.

    And compared to years past, they are so infrequent.

    Maybe I should let myself off the hook?

    Dont’ bother posting this Heather, see, it’s not a big deal. White lies that you barely ever tell.

    What I’ve realized is that lies aren’t black or white. They’re lies.

    And I feel like shit when I tell them.

    And in the end it’s the feeling like shit that is my suffering.

    And I DO NOT WANT to suffer. I don’t like the FEELING of SUFFERING.

    Because what if I DIE today?

    I don’t want to die suffering because I lied, and subsequently lived in a prison of fear and shame, worrying about whether anyone would find out, and worse, if they did, would they still love me?

    Just tell the truth.

    What I’ve learned is that having truth and integrity as the highest value in my life, doesn’t mean I’ll be perfect. It means that when I live outside of that value, I suffer. I suffer, not because I am bad or need to be punished. I suffer because my soul is guiding my journey by way of my feelings.

    And when I feel like shit, it’s cuz I’m going the WRONG way.

     

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