Firstly I have to say a big THANK YOU to my pal Tia (quoted above) who recently wrote a blog post about the power of telling it like it is, when it’s like that. I have to admit, I’ve been more the type to experience it, learn from it, then write about it, from the point of view of the expert. Tia brought up a great point – why don’t we talk about things as they are happening, while we’re in the trenches? The obvious answer, in my case, is that I would be vulnerable and exposed. But the truth is – for the first time in my life – that’s kind of exciting. Because I don’t have my shit together all the time, and I’m finally ready to admit that, and I really am ok with it….so….here I go…a post from the trenches.
This past few…..well….um, I don’t know whether to say 2 years, 2 months or 2 weeks because the truth is – it’s a journey, everyday with its challenges and also moments of joy and grace. However, this latest round of up-levelling sure has been a steep climb.
I feel as though I’ve been forced to face so many illusions that I had been completely unconscious and unaware of. This in and of itself is hard. From there, new decisions and actions are obvious and necessary, especially with my eyes wide open. But yet now I contend with fear, doubt, worry, anxiety and second guessing.
One minute it seems that all my upheaval boils down to a single issue, the next it seems all 50, 000 moving parts in my life are wrong. There are moments of loneliness and despair, followed by those of fierce courage.
I beg for clarity and yet when I see clearly, I fill my vision with fog so as not to have to face the real, raw truth.
I want it to be ‘sorted out’ and yet ultimately know it will be me who has to do the sorting.
I want to be right, and yet want to be wrong, when my rightness misses the mark of my lofty expectations that aren’t being met.
Is this what the coming of age feels like?
I know that transition, change, evolution and ultimately anything NEW has to be preceded by the death of the old. Wouldn’t it be nice to simply morph from one existence to the next, but alas, this glosses over a part of the process.
Quoting from Bindu’s blog:
Barker writes of a doctor who “knew only too well how often the early stages of change or cure may mimic deterioration.
Cut a chrysallis open and you will find a rotting caterpillar.
What you will never find is that mythical creature, half caterpillar, half butterfly, a fit emblem of the human soul, for those cast of mind leads them to seek such emblems.
No, the process of transformation consists almost entirely of decay.”
Change is not easy, it’s not a piece of cake and you can’t have your cake and eat it to. Change means letting go of the old way, letting it decay and die and disintegrate. And with death and decay comes mourning as you experience the loss.
Gawd, it sounds so simple when you look at the facts, but throw in some human emotions, deep seeded beliefs, past experiences and you have a whole onion full of layers to peel back as you move forward, process, move forward, process, (repeat) your way through to the other side.
Though in my case the most immediate other side is the ‘age’ in which I identify this human experience with, and yet I know there is much more coming to the end, dying and decaying to make room for the new birth(s) that are to come.
Am I going crazy? Maybe a little, but only when I resist what is.
Letting go, letting flow, accepting death to experience life, all part and parcel of the experience I desire.
As I welcome 30 tomorrow, I recognize and accept that the death of my 20’s is necessary. Letting go of certain ways of being, doing, having etc. so that I can fully experience a NEW way.
Am I scared? Of course!
Am I sure? Not yet.
Am I ready? Almost.
I’m stepping in to the mystery of life – I’ll let you know what I find out.
Happy Birthday to Me!