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  • Turning 30 or Going Crazy???

    Posted on by Heather

    “NO ONE has their sh** together all the time.
 You don’t.  I don’t.  They don’t.” – Tia Sparkles Singh

    Firstly I have to say a big THANK YOU to my pal Tia (quoted above) who recently wrote a blog post about the power of telling it like it is, when it’s like that. I have to admit, I’ve been more the type to experience it, learn from it, then write about it, from the point of view of the expert. Tia brought up a great point – why don’t we talk about things as they are happening, while we’re in the trenches? The obvious answer, in my case, is that I would be vulnerable and exposed.  But the truth is – for the first time in my life – that’s kind of exciting. Because I don’t have my shit together all the time, and I’m finally ready to admit that, and I really am ok with it….so….here I go…a post from the trenches.

    This past few…..well….um, I don’t know whether to say 2 years, 2 months or 2 weeks because the truth is – it’s a journey, everyday with its challenges and also moments of joy and grace. However, this latest round of up-levelling sure has been a steep climb.

    I feel as though I’ve been forced to face so many illusions that I had been completely unconscious and unaware of. This in and of itself is hard. From there, new decisions and actions are obvious and necessary, especially with my eyes wide open. But yet now I contend with fear, doubt, worry, anxiety and second guessing.

    One minute it seems that all my upheaval boils down to a single issue, the next it seems all 50, 000 moving parts in my life are wrong. There are moments of loneliness and despair, followed by those of fierce courage.

    I beg for clarity and yet when I see clearly, I fill my vision with fog so as not to have to face the real, raw truth.

    I want it to be ‘sorted out’ and yet ultimately know it will be me who has to do the sorting.

    I want to be right, and yet want to be wrong, when my rightness misses the mark of my lofty expectations that aren’t being met.

    Is this what the coming of age feels like?

    I know that transition, change, evolution and ultimately anything NEW has to be preceded by the death of the old. Wouldn’t it be nice to simply morph from one existence to the next, but alas, this glosses over a part of the process.

    Bindu Wiles recently wrote a post on endings and beginnings – where she quotes Pat Barker’s book Regeneration:

    Quoting from Bindu’s blog:

    Barker writes of a doctor who “knew only too well how often the early stages of change or cure may mimic deterioration.

    Cut a chrysallis open and you will find a rotting caterpillar.

    What you will never find is that mythical creature, half caterpillar, half butterfly, a fit emblem of the human soul, for those cast of mind leads them to seek such emblems.

    No, the process of transformation consists almost entirely of decay.”

    End Quote

    Change is not easy, it’s not a piece of cake and you can’t have your cake and eat it to. Change means letting go of the old way, letting it decay and die and disintegrate. And with death and decay comes mourning as you experience the loss.

    Gawd, it sounds so simple when you look at the facts, but throw in some human emotions, deep seeded beliefs, past experiences and you have a whole onion full of layers to peel back as you move forward, process, move forward, process, (repeat) your way through to the other side.

    Though in my case the most immediate other side is the ‘age’ in which I identify this human experience with, and yet I know there is much more coming to the end, dying and decaying to make room for the new birth(s) that are to come.

    Am I going crazy? Maybe a little, but only when I resist what is.

    Letting go, letting flow, accepting death to experience life, all part and parcel of the experience I desire.

    As I welcome 30 tomorrow, I recognize and accept that the death of my 20’s is necessary. Letting go of certain ways of being, doing, having etc. so that I can fully experience a NEW way.

    Am I scared? Of course!

    Am I sure? Not yet.

    Am I ready? Almost.

    I’m stepping in to the mystery of life – I’ll let you know what I find out.

    Happy Birthday to Me!

     

    4 Responses to Turning 30 or Going Crazy???

    1. Heather,

      You’re not going crazy.

      You have what it takes, that I know. And Tia is right!

      Happy early birthday and best wishes for a new year of life filled with love, optimum health, prosperity, and lots of vision board items coming true… :)

      I’ll be looking forward to following your journey for many years to come!

    2. Happy birthday, princess.
      I think 30 is a fabulous age to be, and I think that you are in the best possible position to make the most of your 30s. You are wise, confident, positive, and ready. And you have achieved so much already in your 20’s, that wow…imagine what you’re going to do, and what new frontiers you’re going to push and conquer in your 30’s. For those around you, it will be like watching the flowering of this beautiful and inspirational life that you have created for yourself. And these people, of course including myself – are very very lucky.
      Heather is has been such an honor to know you, to both work with you and know you as a friend. You are a remarkable woman.

      My boyfriend is turning 30 this year too, and some of my friends I’ve seen recently are too. Feels like that’s where the party is these days! When him and I have discussed this, we were saying how your 20’s is a time of creating something out of literally nothing. Whatever you have now, you create out of nothing in your 20s. And then once you enter your 30’s, you have a steady base level of everything, and you can only build from there.

      It’s upwards and onwards.

      Happy birthday to you.
      malavika
      <3

    3. Oh and you should do a “30 things I’ve learned about life” to honor your 30 years of awesomeness. Similar to my post (http://malavikasuresh.wordpress.com/2011/05/02/40-life-lessons-on-growing-up/). I would love to hear that! I’m sure you have some really amazing lessons to share.

    4. Bang on H…tellin it like it is….a bit freaky! Wait till 40! LOL

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