I’ve read/heard that we teach what we need to learn the most. Yup! I would agree with that.
I teach self-love. Permission. Compassion.
Hmm….I’m sure you can see where this is going.
I’m shocked at times when I observe my inner bully. She’s nasty and mean. It’s rare, however, that I actually catch her in the act. I usually only know she’s been by when I notice my low energy, and the subtle layer of sadness that lingers on my breath. I remember the first time I caught her in the act though.
I was playing golf with my bf and 3 of his buddies. I was on the tee of a par 3 and there was a back-up on the hole so there was also a group of 4 guys waiting for us to hit. (Read: 7 dude golfers watching my tee shot). So, I chunked it, and it dribbled off the tee box and in to the water hazard 30 feet out. (Read: VERY poor shot) I was humiliated, needless to say.
On the next tee I went to the washroom and it was in that little outdoor cubby hole that I caught her, my inner bully, right in the act.
“You’ll never be good at golf” I observed something inside my head say….there she was, crystal clear. Her tone icy and harsh.
I remember being in shock about what I’d heard, I ran home to Eckhart Tolle to look up ‘becoming the observer’. Who was that? Where did that voice come from? Why was she so harsh and mean? Is she….me?
Since then I’ve made a lot more peace with this part of myself. She’s an aspect of me, but she’s not me. She comes out when vulnerability is present and she exhausts her best efforts to bully me back to the safety zone. Reason being, she’s straight up afraid and legitimately so. She’s stuck back in the times when vulnerability really did mean: game over. She’s very attached to the idea that my reputation is in direct proportion to my self-worth. It’s all good. I love her. I love her because I understand her. I see where she’s coming from.
Perpective is such an interesting thing. What you see is so dependent on the point of view you’re looking at it from.
Take a look at your life from a different point of view and what you’ll see is a different life.